I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
