i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize