dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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