Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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