we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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