I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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