My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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