I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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