just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
