Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
