my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
