Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
