I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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