Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
