Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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