Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
