dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize