I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I've blown a few things in my day
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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