Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize