oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
