Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
