You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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