So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
