Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
