It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize