She said her name was "party"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
