Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
