The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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