My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
