We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
