remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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