I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
