I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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