It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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