sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
