you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
