Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
