Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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