I wannas sexs uuuuu
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
