and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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