Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
