just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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