You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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