Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
