She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize