Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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