Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
