Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Fuck appropriateness.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
