You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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