I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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