made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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