I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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