i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
