I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
