Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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