Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
