when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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