My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
