I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
