Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
