I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
