I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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