Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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