I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
