if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have demons in me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
