i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I've blown a few things in my day
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
