the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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