the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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