I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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