I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
